Monday, January 27, 2014

5 Questions I have for the Real Housewives of Atlanta

If you are a regular reader, you well know that I usually review the award shows.  Last night's Grammy's left me with zero inspiration.  Like seriously, I was bored the whole time.  All the performances were just okay.  Honestly, I can't even tell you who won an award.  Needless to say, I was disinterested.

When I realized the Grammy's was no longer deserving of my attention, I turned to Bravo to watch the repeat episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta (RHOA).  If you have been waiting on a juicy episode of the RHOA, then your wait ended last night.  Before the season started we got a preview of what was in store.  I think I speak for all RHOA fans when I say that we were waiting on the episode with the fight scene.  In all of RHOA history we have never seen an actual physical fight.  All we got was Nene in Kim's face, Nene in Kandi's face, Nene in Dwight's face so yea, you get the drift.

The whole episode was one mess after another.  And not only that but it left me with a lot of unanswered questions:

Why must Phaedra continue with unnecessary events for her kids? Phaedra loves to throw big, tacky events:
  • At her baby shower, she had tulips in her hair and had Dwight do some weird waltz with her.
  • Her first son had a more fabulous  baptism than Jesus
  • That same son also had 12 cakes at his 1st birthday party.  Diabetes, anyone?
For her second son's blessing, she decided to go with a presidential them since she calls him Mr. President.  Being a Jehovah's Witness, I'm not quite sure what it means "to have a blessing" but as with the extravagant baptism I do not recall a record of it in the Bible.  It was as usual over the top and it felt like more of a party for Phaedra than for the baby.  I also want to add that Apollo seems OVER these events at this point.

Who put messy juice in Cynthia's drink?  Apparently, Bravo threaten to give Cynthia the boot if she didn't up the ante because homegirl has been MESSY this season.  Last week, she was spreading gossip about Kandi's fiance.  Then she goes back and tells her husband something Kandi said which is going to be the cause of the fight next week.  Cynthia wants to school people on "reading" and "shade" but she needs to be schooled on when to shut her mouth.

Is it possible that Momma Joyce was right about Todd?  It's no secret that Momma Joyce is not a fan of Todd.  She has gone on record of calling him an opportunist... to his face.  Now I was all #TeamTodd because the way Momma Joyce was going about it was uncouth.  But then this episode happened and it made me think differently.  Todd is supposed to have this "great job offer" and told Kandi that he was considering taking it.  Then while Kandi is looking for a venue for her play, Todd informs Kandi he is not taking the job.  Something about that whole scene just didn't seem right.  As the saying goes: Mommas always know.

Where did Apollo get $8,000 to drop at the strip club?  At Nene's pillow talk party, a question was asked about men going to strip clubs.  Apollo admitted that not only does he go to the strip club but he drops $5,000-$8,000.  If I had DVR I would've had to pause the show because I needed another minute to let that process.  Apollo has been on this show for three seasons and I still don't know what he does.  He has Tommy Syndrome: He ain't got no job.  Apollo needs to stop fronting and spending the allowance he gets from Phaedra at the strip club.  And speaking of Nene's pillow talk party...

Who made Nene a couple therapist??!! Nene claimed this party was to help bring the couples together.  So she invited people she knew were not getting along.  Then she was asking these instigating questions.  She for real asked how you would feel if your lover was bisexual knowing that Porsha's ex-husband is believed to like the men folk.  Then she added some other questions about past lovers knowing that certain one's past lovers were in the room.  She claimed this game of questions would help bring everyone together.  Somebody tell me where Nene got her license to practice marriage counseling.  There is no advice a woman who divorced her husband then married the same man again can give me.  I thought as you got older you were suppose to grow wiser.  In Nene's case, she grows messier.  She knew exactly what was going to happen when she was bringing up all this dirty laundry.  But what is really sad is the rest of these silly women went along with it.  As soon as I would've heard the first question, my husband and I would have been heading towards the door.  Nene, since you are currently in between Ryan Murphy shows will you please have several seats?  And my last question...

Why did Apollo violate his probation to whoop Brandon, Kenya's friend?  This is where I really wished I had DVR.  That fight was epic.  I'm not really sure what happened.  All I know is that, Todd and Peter were trying to hold Chris from putting hands on Brandon and then chaos proceeded.  Then Apollo felt a need to get involved and had flashbacks to his jail days and started to whoop. Brandon's. A$$.  His yella face turned as red as Brandon's pajamas.  You know it's bad when the people behind the cameras have to get involved.  However, next Sunday is going to be the real showdown.  This is where we get to see Kandi's gutta side and I, for one, am ready to see it.

Yes, RHOA showed out Sunday night.  What were your thoughts?

Friday, January 24, 2014

Dear Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,

Hey! What's up, girl?!  Been awhile since I have enjoyed your company (will get to that later).  I've been doing well myself.  Starting a new juice diet and just bought some new boots on Groupon.  So, I would say that life is grand.

But I didn't write this letter to talk about myself but to talk about you.  I've noticed that you haven't been yourself lately.  Every morning when I check my phone, I'm seeing temperatures in the single digits.  The highs are barely breaking 40 degrees.  Places that are use to frigid temperatures are seeing even worse temperatures, 0 degrees with a -52 wind chill.  Schools are having to close because people outside of Antarctica don't own coats that can handle this disrespectful weather.

Those of us in the South are having a hard time as well.  The coats I have bought in the last few years have been purely for fashion.  They couldn't keep a grasshopper warm.  There wasn't a reason to buy big bulky bubble coats.  Why should I?  Our last few winters have been a joke.  After last year's Ice Storm, I was wearing light weight jackets.  Now, I look 10 pounds bigger because I'm wearing tights, a cami, a thermal, an undershirt, bra, sports bra, sweater, scarves, hat, coat, and ski mask.  Momma Nat, I'm trying to make fashion statements and that's difficult when I'm wearing all the clothes in my closet because I don't want to die from hypothermia.

As much as I abhor these temperatures, I could deal with them if they were consistent.  But you're all over the place.  Monday is 32 degrees, Tuesday is 67 degrees, and Wednesday is -12 degrees. One day I'm wearing shorts and the next I'm sporting bubble coats.  I'm not a psychologist but you're looking a little bi-polar-ish.  

Now, it's time to get down to the root of the problem.  I've gone back and forth about how I wanted to bring this to you.  You my girl, and I don't want to come at you the wrong way so I'm just going to spit it out.  This new boo thang, Polar Vortex, is causing some major issues.  I get it, we all want somebody.  We all want to feel love and have somebody to hold on a cold night.  But your boo is the reason for those below freezing nights.

Po Vo causing school closings, old folks breaking hips from slipping on ice, and sick days because our bodies don't know what the heck is going on when we step outside.  People are stuck in their homes because of 12 inches of snow.  I don't know about your boy, Po Vo, but we got bills to pay.  People living off hourly wages don't have time to be missing work because he feel like throwing snow and ice everywhere.  The rest of us rather not drive over icy bridges.  And your boo really messing things up for those who live on country roads.  They slipping and sliding in ditches.  Girl, something got to change.

Usually, I don't get up in folks personal business but I had to speak on this.  You deserve better.  You have so much going for yourself.  You're in charge of 4 different seasons and you're great with animals.  A woman like you doesn't need a  man like Po Vo.  He isn't going to do anything but cause you pain.  And by you, I mean the animals and me.  You deserve someone whose going to give your friends a warm feeling.

Momma Nat, I just want the best for you.  You too good to settle for this frigid loser.  I hope you can come to your senses and realize that this relationship is only going to end in heartache (or frost bite).  I love you and respect your choices but I hope you realize your worth.

Your Fair Weather Homegirl,

Ebony Marie

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Tweets that Made the Golden Globes Everything

This past Sunday, the 71st Golden Globes put on a great show.  This basically live television party was hosted by the beautiful and funny Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.  They started off the show with a hilarious 10 minute dialogue where they cracked jokes on Hollywood’s most talented.  And even with winners ignoring the wrap-up music and the teleprompter making presenters look illiterate, what made my night were a few awesome tweets.

The first tweet I want to address is Gabourey Sidibe.  A huge part of any award show is the red carpet.  The number one question that is asked is “Who are you wearing?”  Celebrities know that regardless of the fact they are a forerunner in their category, if their outfit is not on point they will be torn apart within an inch of their life.   However, the most awesome thing is when you get that celebrity that doesn’t care two craps about what the fashion police say.  When the online community criticized Sidibe, she tweeted the best tweet ever in the existence of Twitter:

Yaaaaaaasssssssssss Gabourey! That’s how you shut your haters down in a 140 characters or less.  As I always say, people are BOLD behind a keyboard.   People love to come for others that don't fit the norm.  Well, guess what Internet thugs?  You will get shut down in 2014.  I understand that everyone has different taste in clothing, but not liking the color of a dress and taking shots at some one's physical appearance are two different things.   Ms. Gabourey is not here for it and will get you together.  Two snaps for Gabourey!

While Sidibe was snatching wigs, another celeb was showing the public how to throw major shade.  Mia Farrow, actress and ex-wife of famous director, Woody Allen, took to Twitter and said a lot without saying much.  Right before the Woody Allen tribute during the Golden Globes, Mia tweeted:

To get you up to speed with why this was the shadiest tweet ever in history, let me give you a short synopsis.  Woody didn't just leave Mia for another woman but left her for their adopted daughter AND he was accused of molesting one of their adopted kids.  To say that the family is not fond of him would be a huge understatement.  His son's, Ronan Farrow, tweet was not as subtle as his mother's:
"Missed the Woody Allen tribute - did they put the part where a woman publicly confirmed he molested her at age 7 before or after Annie Hall?"
I don't know much about the Farrows but their tweets are everything to me.

Twitter is no longer just a social network where you inform friends and strangers about what you are eating. During an award show, Twitter is like a dinner party without the cocktails but with all the lively chatter.  I live for those who make slip-ups, throw shade, or let it all hang out on Twitter.  It can make any three hour program bearable.

At times, awards shows can lag.  So it's good to have Twitter to liven things up right when you are considering changing the channel.

What did you think of this year's Golden Globes?  Do you enjoy Twitter as much as I do during live events?

Thursday, January 9, 2014

SNL with a Splash of Color

Some posts ago, I wrote about the lack of black women on Saturday Night Live.  It was heart breaking to see a show that was an American institution known for poking fun at pop culture yet their current talented cast could not fully cover it.  Beyonce, Nicki Minaji, and our First Lady Michele Obama are common names in pop culture but there was no one there to represent them. 

Thankfully, Lorne Micheals heard the outcry and decided to hold a casting call looking for African American females.  Out of that search we got the beautiful and funny Sasheer Zamata.  To get a taste of what she can do watch below:

Did you pee your pants laughing because I did. After I found out she was going to be the new cast member I started watching some of her stuff on YouTube.  To really make it on SNL you have to be diverse in what you can deliver.  The reason why Will Ferrell, Amy Poehler, and Kristin Wiig are SNL legends is because of their ability to bring something extra to every character they portray.  I feel that Ms. Zamata can do that.  My only fear is that she gets stuck only playing the crazy baby mama, the ratchet girlfriend, or the angry black woman in every sketch. I want her to play characters like Target Lady, Gilly, or Mary Catherine Gallegher.  I have a strong feeling that this could happen and I will tell you why.
Left: LaKendra Tookes Right: Leslie Jones
On top of hiring a new black cast member, there has been two black female writers added also.  LaKendra Tookes and Leslie Jones who were discovered during the casting call will be new additions to SNL writers' room.  FYI: most of the writing staff are Harvard graduates middle age white males in case you ever wonder why you have never seen a sketch about four guys in a tense spades or dominoes game.  I can't wait to see what sketches will come from this.

Before the new episode airs on January 18 on NBC, I just want to give a couple of ground rules of watching SNL to those who might not be regular watchers:

New Cast Members Do Not Get A Lot of Camera Time Do not get butt hurt if you do not see Sasheer in every sketch.  It's well known that featured (or new cast members) do not get a lot of air time.  Featured cast members usually end up playing background characters or if they are on screen they usually only get a line or two.

SNL Loves to Make Fun of Stereotypes Yes, there will be times when Sasheer will play stereotypical black girls.  If you pay attention to some of the repeat characters on Weekend Update you will see that a lot of those characters are based on popular stereotypes.  In other words, leave your racial sensitivity at the door. 

Writers Sometimes Become Cast Members  If you are disappointed that LaKendra and Leslie are only writers, know that many times writers do make appearances in sketches and even become apart of the cast.  Tina Fey started off a writer on SNL and she ended up with her own TV show and hosting the Golden Globes.

Not Every Sketch is going to be Drop Dead Funny and Might be a Little Weird SNL does quite a few weird sketches.  The basic formula is pop culture references and repeat sketches before Weekend Update and weirder and more abstract sketches after Weekend Update.  Just go with it.  You might be pleasantly surprised with some of them.

Support, Support, Support If you were one of the people yelling "Diversify!!!" at SNL then you better tune in every Saturday night.  I don't care if you do not like the host or the musical guest, still tune in and root for Sasheer and the rest of the cast.  Remember, each new episode is presented to you  LIVE.  It takes real skills to do what they do.  We vote with our remotes.

I hope these rules will help you with your viewing of Saturday Night Live.  I am a huge fan of SNL and a new fan of Sasheer Zamata so I'm looking forward to this union.  Be sure to follow me on Twitter (@ebonymariere) and live tweet with me on Jaunary 18 at 11:30/10:30c  where Drake will be the host and musical guest.